An ode to the Indian Retail Worker

This one is also dedicated. But in a very different way.

First consider this. I want to buy a photo album. I'll admit I had an ideal album in mind - I needed something where the leaves were transparent so both the picture and the caption written on the back of it could be seen. Hardly a very big demand, all things considered, you'd agree.

After trying a couple of stationery shops in vain, I made my way to the local Archies shop -- the Indian equivalent of Hallmark/Cardshop. In most countries, your ideal shop whilst looking for an album. What I get instead is to be sent to some vague (and uncomfortably hot) corner of the shop where the junior retailer dude has reluctantly opened the most massive wedding album. So when I suggest something a little smaller he grudgingly takes one out. Sure enough the leaves are not transparent. When I point out my ultra-fussy requirement he takes one second to comprehend it and another to say 'Yahan woh nihe milega' (You won't get it here).

I had endured this type of 'salesmanship' before (in one of the previous shops, the guy had flat-out refused to acknowledge the existence of said type of album!). So I persevered and asked him to take out a couple more of the literally thousands of other small sized albums. Disgusted and tired from all this effort, he was therefore APPALLED when I asked if he could think of any alternative ways to compile pictures. Perhaps a kind of binder that would hold them all together and let you flip through? 'Nope' he says while shooting me a look of how-dare-you-bother-me-so. Can he at least suggest some place that might do something on these lines? You guessed it, he doesn't know!

I have shopped, or rather tried, to shop in a lot of Indian cities. And I have found this definite common trend. If the store is not owned by the same person, i.e. his livelihood does not depend on it, he/she is not just reluctant to sell but often keen to drive you out of the place! In clothes stores (Lacoste, UCB*) where, being poor and miserly, I like to look at price tags before buying stuff, there's generally about 15 of these guys per customer who's job it is to stare you out and make you so conscious of this otherwise practical task that you are driven away. In huge books and music stores (Odyssey) the guy will often say matter of factly that he doesn't have a copy of the dictionary or ARR's greatest hits! I've been to a coffee shop (Deli 9) where the waiter guy swore on the fact that there is no difference between two cold coffees priced Rs 10 apart!

I feel I am entitled to rant (for once) as I have worked in retail before. As a junior under-paid, under-appreciated guy. Hell, I was in still in school for a lot of it so you can imagine I didn't really care so much about the huge corporate making an extra 20 quid profit thanks to me. Just as long as they paid me. But to be so uber lethargic and positively put off customers buying anything is another skill level altogether! I'm not exaggerating much when I say even the likes of Imelda Marcos and Blair Waldorf would not be able to pick up 2 pairs of shoes when 'served' by some of these guys!

So the subliminal message in all this? My theory is that all these stores are just fronts for money laundering, drug rackets, you name it. Of course the most worrying thing then is that like 95% of major branded Indian stores are all fronts! Oh how reassuring!

* The stores in brackets are ones that I've personally had a bad experience in, in the recent past. I don't mean to imply that other stores are going to be any better!

The APL?

Yes, it’s that time of year again. When balls fly around, bats swing faster (mongoose or otherwise) and matches swing faster still. But all of that is out-done by the swinging 'loyalty' of 'fans'! You may have guessed that I don't like the IPL very much. It’s a silly watered down version of an otherwise great sport. One of the most clear-cut cases of selling your soul on a get rich quick scheme.

Don't get me wrong. I love the fact that an Indian took an English sport, played in a format conceived in England and made it so got damn lucrative everyone wants a piece of India's not-at-all-humble-pie. God knows there is so much entrepreneurial opportunity here, time we benefited from it.

But my question is, when are they going to rename it -- to Ads Premier League of course!

There was already ads between innings and before and after innings. Cricket with its over breaks and drinks breaks and injury breaks and runner breaks lends itself to approx. 10 mins of ads for every 2 minutes of action anyway (watch out NFL, you have competition!). But then they had to include strategy breaks, err MaxMobile Stratergy Breaks. Each team becomes 'eligible' for one either side of the 10 overs mark. This is a concept so useless its a surprise the French didn't think of it first! (in fairness they may have had a disadvantage what with never having played cricket and all that.) What is a team doing well/badly supposed to do during one these 'strategy' breaks? 'Common guys lets do better?!' Now as if all that wasn't enough they've managed to incorporate ads between balls or should I say between Citi Moments of Success!

Phew! Now I need a break from all those ads.

Anyway, as a favour to the brain behind it all, Mr Lalit Modi, I have saved him the trouble of coming up with a new, more apt name -- the Ads Premier League it is. In return he need only donate 0.000001% of his IPL based fortune to me.

I'm gonna be rich guys!

Khas Baat Mil Gaya!

Decided to post this as a dedication to a new friend. For reminding me to do this and thus reminding me of the possibility of someone else beating me to it. And for saying I'm talented (she was almost certainly joking though!).

There is this JK Cement ad where a bikini clad woman walks out of the sea, struts over, smiles and thus 'vishwas hai isme kuch khas hai' ??!

There are many posts about how baffling the ad is. How it makes no sense and has nothing to do with the product. But as usual, m'dears - I have the answer. The 'khas baat' (special feature) about her is that ... (*drumrolls*) ... she is a transsexual! Look at the way she stands. That smile. Those braod square shoulders. There can be no doubt!

So what is the message -- the subliminal message? Like she has something hidden and hence is 'khas', the cement too is probably hollow and full of mud something. Ab mujhe bhi vishwas hai!

Legal note: All you JK Cement enthusiats, this is not the author's official stance and is subject to change given even the slightest obligation to do so!

SRK

Let me say straight-away that I used to think SRK (or Shahrukh Khan for those of you who are either not Indian or extremely slow on the uptake) is a douche. Let me tell you why. He’s earned pots and pots of money already - the jury is still out on whether its 12 or 13 of his subsequent generations that won’t have to LIFT A FINGER, that’s the kind of wealth we’re talking about. (Note: this probably still pales in comparison with some of our more industrious politicians.) So why oh why, does he still spend so much time on our TV sets telling us that the regular use of Emami Fair and Lovely cream will make our lives immensely better?!

The sheer stupidity of fairness creams may shock readers who are unfamiliar with Indian culture and its over-arching desire to be fair and thus beautiful. But that a man with a decent education and an IQ of more than 27 could want to further stretch his otherwise bulging coffers to endorse such a product is astounding!

And that’s not where it ends. He would have us believe that the use of Cello Gel pens will single-handedly (pun intended!) eliminate all problems from the life of its users!

Why? Why all you multitudes of SRK fans, why?

And then the answer hit me. Between the isanely inane ads and the whole ruckus of That Movie he managed to stay on our poor television screens approx. 26/7. With me till now? So most of you clever clogs thought it was all just a publicity stunt for the movie – that the whole Shiv Sena stuff was all a fix. But I reckon, there’s more to it. He’s finally figured he can’t be acting as a 25 year old dreamy stud anymore (yuck, did I just say that?!). So what’s the next logical step for a actor who is past his youth?

He wants to be the next Prime Minister of course.... go ahead, let out those screams of anguish, better out than in...

So what's with the name?

Anyone that's read this blog more than once (cue tumbleweed and the sound of deathly silence!) will know that there is a common thread to my posts. I've been giving my take on everyday stuff that I have found deeper (and sillier) meaning in. The word subliminal is anything that pervades conscious awareness but has an impact on our sub-conscious -- waffle free definition here. So you see the connection? No? Try a different blog mate!

Essentially I was looking to start a blog and figured that my penchant for conspiring crack-pot theories in many things is about as good a place to start as anywhere else. So subliminal matters matters ok! As for the repeated reference to adverts on Indian TVs, well I figure there’s a lot of digging to be done there! And let’s not forget, the whole point of these ads is to bury their message in sub-conscious where they can play havoc with other common sense and otherwise ‘rational’ spending patterns!